


false disposition

by autisticlalna (mathonwys), iamsolarflare



Series: casting a shadow (Shadow People AU) [6]
Category: Hermitcraft
Genre: Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Killjoy has Joe's dad gene, Killjoy is Lawful Evil but still gives a shit, Killjoy's not great at being comforting but he does a good job anyway, Living Shadows, PTSD, Shadow People AU, discussion of trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-29
Updated: 2019-10-29
Packaged: 2021-01-06 03:09:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21219575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mathonwys/pseuds/autisticlalna, https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamsolarflare/pseuds/iamsolarflare
Summary: "There’s another shadow here. They’re sitting in the small blacksmith’s nook by the stables, curled up in a corner where the light from the sun doesn’t quite reach them, obscured from view.Interesting."After an incident with Joe while protecting him from Biffa's shadow leaves the two on unsteady ground, Killjoy takes a break to skulk about Keralis and Bdubs's village. He didn't expect to discover another shadow hiding there. He didn't expect having a heart-to-heart with it, either.or: Killjoy stumbles across Shadoc after he flees from Sahara, what happens next may warm your heart(written for the Shadow People AU by mine-sara-sp on tumblr!)





	false disposition

**Author's Note:**

> HEY YALL MATHONWYS AT IT AGAIN
> 
> so you know how i said after i finished detonator it was gonna be my last shadow people au fic for a bit? it TECHNICALLY wasnt a lie. cause i started this while detonator was still ongoing. that being said i am DEFINITELY taking a break now cause i dont have any ideas for fics for a bit \o/
> 
> this was written with my good friend solar, aka @betweenlands on tumblr! solar's written a lot of amazing content for the au focusing on joe's shadow, Killjoy, so you should definitely check out their blog if you wanna know more about him 'cause none of it is on ao3 currently.
> 
> it takes place after the first 2 paragraphs of detonator but before the end of chapter 1 (so, happening at the same time as Doc investigating Sahara & Area 77), and before solar's fic 6.24!

Killjoy is not a nice person.

It’s somewhat odd for him, referring to himself as a “person”, but it was at Joe’s insistence - and besides, it’s somewhat scarier when people think of you as being in that uncanny valley between inhuman and human. More intimidating.

Good. Keeps people on their toes.

Maybe a little too much in this case, though, because after the small incident with Biffa’s shadow, Joe is avoiding him again. Can’t be helped, really, he’s grown to understand that people act erratically when they’re nervous. And Joe’s grown better lately, stronger, and he can hold his own for a decent amount of time. So it’s no issue if he leaves his summoner be for a bit.

Still, that _ does _ leave him with not a lot to do - he can practice, of course, hone his own work, but usually that’s more done alongside Joe, when he can be easily resummoned. So without that outlet, recon’s really the only thing to do.

Hence why he’s been haunting Keralis and Bdubs’s village lately.

It started with professional curiosity - the site was close by to the shadow shrine, relatively speaking, and its no-fly zone ordinance made Killjoy feel he was on equal footing to anyone else who happened to end up there. On visiting a couple times though, he picked up a new reason to keep coming back - Bdubs and Keralis were dreadfully, _ woefully _ oblivious to his presence.

He could sneak around corners in peace, practice being just a _ little _ stealthier, and they wouldn’t be able to tell anything was wrong. Sure, Bdubs jumped at shadows pretty frequently, and Keralis had keen eyes, but they were both likely to brush it off. It was the perfect way to test himself, and meant he could even mess with them if he _ really _ wanted to.

Mostly, though, he just watches and waits for something to happen. And usually, nothing does. Oh, sure, he’s there when Bdubs makes a deal with Sahara and worries that he’s selling his soul, but that seems pretty light fare. Nothing really _ changes _ here.

Or, at least, that’s exactly what he’s thinking before he stumbles upon something different, the machinery of irony in motion.

There’s another shadow here. They’re sitting in the small blacksmith’s nook by the stables, curled up in a corner where the light from the sun doesn’t _ quite _ reach them, obscured from view.

Interesting.

It’s hard to say if the other shadow even sees him. It’d be easy for a casual passerby to mistake them for being asleep; they haven’t moved at all from where they sit with their head resting on their arms, knees drawn up close to their chest, in a pose designed to hide their figure as much as possible. The only thing that indicates otherwise is the soft glow of a yellow eye, barely visible, staring out unfocused into the distance.

It’s like they’re waiting for something. Maybe for Keralis; it’s his and Bdubs’s village, after all, although it’s hard to say how they’d react to finding a shadow hiding on their turf. They could also be waiting on their summoner, although... it’s usually the shadow hunting the summoner down, not the other way around. 

They haven’t spotted Killjoy yet, or even noticed that _ they’ve _ been spotted. They’re just… sitting there.

He frowns, unsure how to approach the situation. It’s not exactly like they’re stepping outside of their bounds, Joe is fine, so he doesn’t have to be hostile.

That poses an interesting problem, because he’s _ usually _ hostile, and something tells him this shadow would not enjoy that sort of treatment.

He rubs his temples, steps out of his own cover and into the light of late day, one hand in his pocket casually as he adjusts the empty frames on his face. Not really _ intentionally _ towering, but definitely positioning himself in a dramatic light on purpose.

**“Howdy.”**

They flinch at the sound of his voice. In an instant they’ve snapped upright, looking around frantically, before their gaze finally settles on him. “**Oh no, no no no-**” It’s a familiar voice. Looks like the newest freeloader is none other than Doc’s shadow.

He keeps his eyes locked on Killjoy as he freezes. Locking up when scared isn’t exactly the best self-defense mechanism for a shadow to have; he’s defenseless, trapped in a corner with no one else around, and there’s a look in his eyes like he’s bracing himself for the worst.

“**Hey, Joekills**,” Doc’s shadow says with a twitchy, forced smile. “**Or- S- Sorry, you don’t… you don’t really, um, go by that anymore, do you-?**”

Killjoy grins, shrugging. **“I’ve taken to Killjoy, yes. And you are…?”**

“**Um…**” A look of confusion crosses his face. Doc’s shadow hesitates, staring down at his hands. “**...Shadoc, I guess. I heard Keralis call me that earlier.**” He shrugs. Quieter: “**...why are you here?**”

**“Visiting. Do I ** ** _need_ ** ** a reason?”**

Shadoc shrinks in on himself. His hands tightly grip the fabric of his lab coat as he tries to steady himself; he stutters, words failing in attempt after attempt, before he finally tears his eyes away from Killjoy to stare at anything but him.

“**No,** ” he manages after far too many tries. “**I guess not.**”

Pretty much every inch of Shadoc is radiating _ please go away, please go away, please go away_. He turns his back deliberately, waits to see if the nervous shadow will try and attack - or do anything at all, really - as he stares towards the setting sun, not saying anything.

There’s a sound from behind him as Shadoc stands up. He shifts his weight from foot to foot, uneasy; once it becomes clear that Killjoy has no intention of leaving, he clears his throat. “**Does Joe know you’re here?**”

He probably doesn’t mean for the question to come out the way it does, judging by the way he covers his mouth once he’s done speaking.

Killjoy tilts his head back to look at Shadoc, still smirking, one eyebrow raised. **“No. Interesting question to ask me.”**

“**I heard-**”

Shadoc cuts himself off by biting down on his metallic hand. The anxious shadow takes several deep breaths, eyes closed, before letting go and lowering his hand back down to his side. “**It’s just… N- No, nevermind, it’s… it’s nothing.**”

His laugh is brittle, like everything else about him. “**What I meant was… I thought you two were usually… together.**” An awkward, hesitant pause. “**As- As in Joe’s usually summoning you for… Joe reasons.**”

He has to laugh at that - really more of a soft snort than anything longer, but the concept of it being _ Joe’s _ idea to summon and resummon him is frankly quite hilarious. **“You seem to have it ** ** _backwards_****. It’s my idea, not his.”**

Shadoc’s expression goes blank, like a switch had been turned off. “**...Yours?**” There's a note of surprise in his voice, but also… something else. Something weird, that Killjoy can’t quite put his finger on. “**But… it’s the hermits that decide what to… to… to ** ** _do_ ** ** with us.**” His voice wavers, just a little. “**I don’t understand.**”

_ That _ gets another laugh from him as he turns around, rests his arm against one wall as he idly examines his fingers. **“Sure, when we were ** ** _mindless_****, maybe. But now? Now ** ** _they’re_ ** ** the ones stuck in stagnation while we grow more powerful every time we fall.”** Killjoy grins, a full, _ wide _ smile this time. **“Joe needs any assistance he can get, seeing as he’s prone to death and I can’t exactly exist without him. So he gets a little extra… ** ** _help _ ** **from me, enough that I don’t have to watch him constantly.”**

A pause, for dramatic effect of course. **“And me, well, I get my due.”**

The other shadow shakes his head, either in disagreement or in an attempt to shake off Killjoy’s words. “**But-**” Again with the stuttering, with the half-formed words and phrases he discards and restarts, until Shadoc grabs at his own hair in frustration. “**That’s- that’s not how this ** ** _works_****!**” he barks out in a rush. “**That’s not how- That’s- That’s not-**”

His breathing quickens as he stares Killjoy down. “**The hermits- we- ** ** _They’re_ ** ** the ones in control of all-** ** _ this_****! They’re- they’re the ones that summon us, that** ** _ kill _ ** **us, that- that decide what to do with us, that- what’s- what’s safe, they-**”

Shadoc is shaking. It’s hard to say what’s going through his head right now; somehow, one way or another, Killjoy has struck a deep nerve.

He takes a step forward, extends one hand out towards Shadoc. Not grabbing him - that would be _ extremely _ rude - but just… offering. **“You and I both know in our own ways they were ** ** _never_ ** ** in control of this situation, now especially. Maybe they used to be. Now they’re grasping at straws. They have to calculate when they can profit off us being around, take that risk. Really, these days ** ** _we_ ** ** decide what to do with ** ** _them_****, just in a bit more of a round-about way.”**

Shadoc stares at his offered hand like it’s a snake ready to lunge at him. Every part of him is tense, wound up too tight, about to snap. It’s a conscious effort for him to slow his breathing back down, to steady himself, to disentangle his fingers from his hair as Killjoy’s words sink in.

“**You weren’t there,**” he says, voice even. “**At… At Area 77. Joe didn’t… he… Joe didn’t- …Joe didn’t put you in the trap.**” He swallows hard, takes a second. “**What happens when Joe does- when- when Joe thinks it’s not…** ** _ safe_****, anymore? When you do something bad, ** ** _really _ ** **bad, and Joe has to get rid of you? When he kills you and… and leaves you in the dark?**”

He wraps his arms around his chest as he thinks of what he’s trying to say, what order to put the words in. “**Are you still in control?**”

Killjoy freezes, visibly, and then staggers backwards, bracing himself against the wall as the maniacal laugh he’s been trying to hold back forces its way out anyway. The type of laughter that chills someone to their core, that fills a half-page of narration with nothing but itself. He can’t help it, because try as he might to be sympathetic - and he is, sure - Shadoc’s statement is genuinely _ hilarious _ to him.

**“Ahah- Shadoc, I am ** ** _so_ ** ** sorry about what happened to you. Truly, I am. I’m not laughing at you, just… ** ** _Joe!?_ ** ** You really think he can ** ** _stop me?_ ** ** No, I am in more control than I have ** ** _ever_ ** ** been. Even if he ** ** _wanted_ ** ** to, he couldn’t kill me for good.”**

His laughter knocks Shadoc off guard. The other shadow stammers; clearly, this wasn’t the reaction he was expecting, and he has to scramble to collect himself and get himself back on track.

“**But- but he** ** _ can_****,**” Shadoc stressed. “**He always can. Killjoy, it- it doesn’t matter how much stronger you get, or how much stronger you ** ** _are_****, they’ll… they’ll find a way. They’ll get rid of you, ** ** _forever_****, because you… because you become too much of a risk and not enough of a reward. Joe likes you, I’m sure, and- and I’m sure he appreciates your help, too, but-**”

He wrings his hands, gripping tight enough to hurt. There’s something he’s dancing around, some idea lodged in him he’s unwilling to let go.

It puts Killjoy in a tough place, really, because he didn’t exactly come here with the intent to uproot someone’s beliefs. Certainly, didn’t even intend to cause panic…

Something hits him, a spark of realization. He cocks his head to the side. **“You’re not worried about ** ** _me,_ ** ** are you. You’re worried about them doing something to ** ** _you._****”**

Shadoc goes quiet. He opens his mouth to speak, to provide a rebuttal, but fails to make a sound. He struggles, then settles for a jerky nod. With stilted movements, he sits back down and huddles into the corner Killjoy found him like he’s trying to shut out the world.

When he finally gets his voice working again, his words are barely audible. “**...did you hear about Sahara?**”

Killjoy’s smile is thin, tired. **“Oh, Shadoc. It’s not your fault they’re idiots who couldn’t think about other people besides themselves.”**

“**It’s not-** ” Shadoc hides his face in his knees. “ **I- I don’t- I’m not even really sure what ** ** _happened_****, I just- and then- and then Iskall was hurt-**” 

He rubs at his eyes to try and stop the tears threatening to start. They’re still audible in his voice, with how he gets choked up as he tries to talk. “**...they’re going to kill me.**”

Killjoy feels bile rise in his throat, or maybe it’s just pity - on some level, after all, they’re much the same. He grits his teeth. **“They’ll do no such thing. Doc certainly won’t, and if they send any of the other shadows after you, I’ll kill them ** ** _first_****.”**

Shadoc lifts up his head just enough for Killjoy to see the glow of his eyes. “**Why?**” he manages. There’s an uncertain look in his eyes - he _ wants _ to believe him, _ wants _ to have hope, but he’s holding himself back. “**What do ** ** _you_ ** ** get out of it? If I’m… ** ** _gone_ ** **… then there’s one less threat on the server.**”

**"Well… let's see. Doc feels awful for what happened as far as I can tell, so there's no way of getting him convinced to kill you - and the other shadows? None of their damn business." ** He rolls his eyes. **"I am sick and tired of those upstarts thinking they have ** ** _any right_ ** ** to target people they aren't reflections of. I intend to enforce that."**

The reminder of what Doc did causes his shadow to flinch despite himself. Shadoc looks like he wants to argue, but instead he just hides his face again and sniffles as he starts to properly cry. “**...thank you.**”

He frowns. **“Don’t. There’s no reason to thank me. I would be doing it anyway.”**

Shadoc muffles himself until he’s able to speak again without sounding like a complete disaster. It’s not perfect; he still has to pause and collect himself between phrases. “**It… it still helps.**” His smile wavers before dissipating. “**But that’s just a… a side effect, though, isn’t it?**”

He uncurls a little, stretching out his legs and resting one hand in his lap while keeping the other hovering near his face. “**I’m sorry, I… I guess that I’m just…**” Shadoc gives a weak shrug. “**There’s… a lot, right now.**”

**“Don’t apologize, either. If the side effect of what I’m doing helps you, then it helps you. It’s not putting me out of my way, after all.”** Killjoy tilts his head to look up at the darkening sky overhead. **“You’re less of an inconvenience - never mind threat - than you think.”**

Shadoc’s expression darkens. Clearly he doesn’t agree with that assessment, but he doesn’t protest, either. The hand in his lap picks aimlessly at loose threads dangling from the tattered holes in his pants as his eyes drift half-closed; the uneasy frown on his face may as well be one of his default expressions, next to the omnipresent fear.

**“I don’t…** ” He coils one of the longer threads around a finger. “**I don’t know how long I have before they find me… If- if ** ** _you_ ** ** found me, then… then they probably can too, and…**”

He scrunches up his face, presses the heel of one palm into his forehead. “**What- what am I going to say to- to tell ** ** _Murmur_****? Even if they… even if the hermits don’t… there’s… I… I’m. ...I’m not sure Murmur would forgive me. For… ** ** _any_ ** ** of this. For Sahara. For running.**”

Killjoy shrugs. **“They’re good people. So’s Murmur. I don’t think you’ve done anything unforgivable by any standards, unless you’ve secretly gone on some mass-murder rampage.”**

He pauses. **“...That was a joke, by the way, the last part.” **Shadoc doesn’t laugh.

“**I ** ** _wouldn’t_**,” Shadoc says, and there’s an undercurrent of hurt to his voice. “ **I…** ” He falters. After a pause, he shakes his head. “ **...I know I’m being a bit… I don’t know the word. Over… no, um…**”

He looks frustrated as he struggles for the correct wording; the strand he’s tugging on snaps as he yanks on it too hard, and he looks down at where it’s twined around his finger with a twinge of surprise.

“**I’m scared,** ” he finally admits in plain wording. “ **I’m… I’m really, really scared.**”

Killjoy sighs. **“That’s not something you should be embarrassed about. That’s how people work. You said you didn’t want to die again, and now there’s a little primal part of your brain enthusiastically pointing out the ways you ** ** _could_ ** ** die so you can avoid them. Inconvenient, but not shameful.”**

Shadoc nods and fidgets with the thread some more. “**...is it going to go away?**” he asks, timid. “**Is it- does it?**” That _ wanting-to-be-hopeful _ look is back. He can’t help but wear his heart on his sleeve, it seems.

Another shrug from Killjoy. **“I don’t know. I’m not you.”**

That earns a soft laugh from Shadoc. “**Y- Yeah, you’re… you’re right.**” The fraction of a smile on his face soon fades as an invisible weight settles on his shoulders. “**...I guess I’ll have to figure this out on my own…**”

**“Just because I’m not going to help you out doesn’t mean that other people won’t,”** he responds, turning away. **“I think you’re forgetting to consider that.”**

A pause. **“It’s getting late… I should go.”**

Shadoc looks surprised, then sighs as he accepts it. “**Right… Of course. Um… Good luck with Joe, or... whatever you’re doing.**”

He draws in on himself again, keeping his eyes tracked on Killjoy as he huddles up and braces himself for what may happen once the other shadow is gone. He’s been here a while; if anyone’s searching for him, it won’t be long now before he’s found.

“**Thanks,** ” he mumbles, so quiet to be just barely audible. “**For… for this.**”

**Author's Note:**

> "this world is a cruel place to people like you, i told you so" / i wont give him that, damage control won't help me then / ah, i wish i felt nothing at all! / but i'll take that blow, take that blow / i'll take more!
> 
> ("you mind if i join you now?" / oh its okay im calm- / "you know, i really hate. this. town.")


End file.
